


like something from an old movie

by suneye



Series: himym au [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - How I Met Your Mother Fusion, Attempt at Humor, Drinking, F/F, Family Drama, Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Inspired by How I Met Your Mother, M/M, Slow Burn, they're all just trying their best
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-21
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-02-19 08:14:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22307977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suneye/pseuds/suneye
Summary: Magnus wants the perfect wedding. Maia wants to change the world. Clary just wants to believe in love again. The universe has different plans.(AKA the How I Met Your Mother AU no one asked for.)
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Isabelle Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Clary Fray & Alec Lightwood, Clary Fray & Jace Wayland, Clary Fray/Maia Roberts, Magnus Bane & Clary Fray, Magnus Bane & Maia Roberts, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Maia Roberts & Jace Wayland, Maureen Brown/Clary Fray
Series: himym au [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1608364
Comments: 3
Kudos: 11





	1. I'm Gonna Marry Her Someday

**Author's Note:**

> ok wow I can't believe I'm finally posting this! it's been in the works or a whiiiile, which is funny because I consider it one of my more lighthearted, fun, less stressful works. it's a HIMYM au that's just meant to be fun and sweet and hopefully funny sometimes. it's also meant to be a fun little challenge for me because translating jokes and certain storytelling techniques from the tv show into writing is actually pretty hard, as it turns out!
> 
> please note: just like in the show, there is a quite a bit of drinking and sex jokes in this fic, so beware of that. more importantly, one of the main characters is trans (not really mentioned in this chapter but will be soon), so if I ever misstep or overstep or get something wrong, please let me know!
> 
> also, consider this work dedicated to Peony and Imogen — for putting up with me and for helping this fic actually get anywhere
> 
> and that's all! enjoy!

When Clary Fray was 24 years, 2 months, and 26 days old, her best friends were getting married and her parents were getting divorced.

“Relax, it won’t be all bad,” Jace said to her that fateful night at the bar. “My parents are divorced too. I turned out fine.”

“Debatable,” Clary said, sipping her beer. “But that’s not really what I’m worried about. It’s just so many changes happening all at once. I mean, you and I are probably gonna have to move out of the apartment.”

Jace scoffed. “Why would we have to move out of the apartment?”

The apartment — or “Their Apartment”, as it was  _ the  _ apartment for their little friend group — was a cozy three-bedroom, three-bathroom complex in Brooklyn, and it had been  _ their  _ apartment for close to three years now. At first it was supposed to be just Jace and his siblings, Alec and Izzy, but after Izzy moved halfway across the country for a job while Jace and Clary became close friends in college (close friends who slept together exactly once before she realized she was a lesbian), she moved into Izzy's old room. Then, of course, Magnus came along. And though he insisted he had his own place and could certainly afford a bigger, nicer place, he just started spending nights there with Alec. Slowly he left more and more clothes and personal belongings there until they all just stopped questioning it and accepted him as a resident of Their Apartment.

“Because they’re getting married!” Clary said matter-of-factly. “They’re gonna want kids, and their own space, and to have sex all over the place. It wouldn’t be right for Alec’s brother and college buddy to still be living with them.”

“Okay, but why would  _ we  _ have to move out of the apartment? Wouldn’t it make more sense for Alec to move in with Magnus?”

Clary opened her mouth to argue further, but then closed it, considering. “Huh,” she said. “That’s a good point. But then what about the cats?”

Jace rolled his eyes. “The cats can move. Moving won’t kill cats. Plus, a change of scenery might be good for Church’s attitude.”

“He scratch you again? You gotta stop trying to pet him.”

“You know I can't handle the fact that he doesn't love me.”

“Okay, the cats can move,” Clary said, changing the subject before Jace could go on one of his infamous rants about how irresistible he was. “But then, what are we gonna do with the spare bedroom?”

Jace shrugged. “Get another roommate. Get another cat. Make it a game room. Who cares? Point is, we’ll have one spare bedroom if they move out, but they’ll have two spare bedrooms if we move out. It makes more sense for you and I to stay put.”

“All good points,” Clary said thoughtfully. “We should talk to them about that.” She looked up just in time to see the couple walking into the bar hand-in-hand, giggling excitedly. “Not tonight, though. Let’s not ruin this.”

Alec and Magnus practically skipped up to their booth, the happiness evident on their faces leaving no question about what Alec had asked tonight or the answer Magnus had given him. Wordlessly — perhaps because he was too excited to speak — Magnus raised his left hand to show off his sparkling engagement ring.

Clary and Jace laughed and squealed in delight, as if they were even remotely surprised, and stood to hug and congratulate the newly-engaged couple. 

*

Some time and a few drinks later, when Alec was huddled in the corner screaming along with Izzy on FaceTime and Jace was arguing with someone over what to play on the Jukebox, Magnus shuffled into the booth across from Clary with two cocktails. He slid one over to Clary. “Bat calls this one the ‘Holy Matri-moany’. That’s with an O-A. He just made it up.”

“Gross.” Clary pushed the glass aside. “What’s in it?”

Magnus took a long sip and scrunched his face. “You don’t wanna know.” At Clary’s half-hearted laugh, he frowned. “Why the long face?”

“I just found out that my parents are getting divorced,” she admitted.

“Oh, biscuit, I’m sorry,” Magnus said sympathetically, reaching across the table to squeeze her hand in a gesture of comfort.

Clary sighed. “Go ahead, say it. I know you want to.”

Magnus didn’t even hesitate: “It was about time.”

“How could you say that!”

The incredulous look on Magnus’ face was enough to lift her mood ever so slightly.  “I just don’t get it,” Clary went on. “They looked so in love when I was growing up…”

Magnus nodded thoughtfully.

“Can you relate, like, at all?”

He laughed. “Are you kidding? I never saw my parents in the same  _ room _ .”

Clary shook her head. “Aren’t you worried?” she asked. “That something like that is gonna happen to you and Alec?”

“Not at all.”

“How?”

Magnus smiled slightly. “This is gonna sound super cheesy,” he said. “But...he’s my soulmate.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“That  _ was _ super cheesy. But also really sweet. I want that.”

Magnus stood to cross the table and sit in her booth next to her. He put an arm around her. “You’ll find her,” he said in a tone so sure she almost didn’t need convincing. “You’re twenty-four years old. Just because your parents had a failing marriage and you’ll never score anyone as awesome as me, doesn’t mean your special someone isn’t out there, waiting.” He glanced up at the crowd. “Maybe start looking tonight. Like right this second. Go talk to that girl.”

“Are you trying to get rid of me?” Clary asked.

“They’re playing my song!” Magnus said, getting up to dance his way over to Alec.

“This is ‘fergalicious’!”

“You're underestimating how intoxicated I am.”

Clary shook her head but smiled in spite of herself. For the rest of the night, they danced and drank cheap booze in their cramped booth in their two-star-rated bar. It was wonderful.

*

At around 1 a.m., Jace was chatting up some girl at the bar and Clary was sitting a few chairs away, sipping a beer and trying not to gaze too sadly at Magnus and Alec. It was beautiful and unfair how wholly and undeniably in love they were since practically the moment they’d met. Amidst Jace’s string of one-night stands and the Fray-Garroway’s failing marriage and Clary’s own doomed love life, those two were a beacon of hope, as if there to remind people that true love did in fact exist.

(And also a beacon of in-your-face-losers, there to remind people that no matter how hard they tried, they would never have the perfect, fierce, healing love story that Magnus and Alec had.)

The girl laughed in Jace’s face and walked away. He turned back to Clary with a sigh.

“Dude,” Clary said tiredly. “This is  _ still  _ a gay bar. When are you gonna learn?”

“Never, apparently.” And, as if to demonstrate, he turned to the very next girl  and turned the Lightwood charm up a few thousand degrees.

Refusing to watch  _ that  _ disaster play out, Clary took a huge gulp of beer and turned away from him. Her eyes scanned the crowd, landed on one girl in particular, and for a moment something strange happened. Clary felt like she was in a dream, or a movie, or staring too long at someone else’s artwork. She must have been — because for a second, just as the pretty girl across the crowded bar glanced up and locked eyes with her, time froze and the air stood still and the world waited with bated breath for the thing that was supposed to happen to happen.

Unfortunately, Clary interpreted that thing-that-was-supposed-to-happen as her elbowing Jace and gesturing as casually as she could manage at…well, the most beautiful woman either of them had ever seen.

“Jace, do you see that girl?” asked Clary, who was now for some reason imagining said girl in a wedding dress.

“Oh, yeah,” Jace said approvingly. “You just know she likes it dirty. Go say hi.”

Clary gave him an incredulous look. “Don't be ridiculous, I can’t just—”

“Hey,” Jace said, to someone who was not Clary. “Have you met my friend?”

Clary almost fell off her chair. She hadn’t realized the pretty girl had made her way to the bar and was now standing barely a foot to Jace’s right, ordering herself a drink. She looked from Jace to Clary and smiled. Clary tried not to have a heart attack.

“Hi,” the girl said.

“Hi,” Clary said. “I’m Clary.”

“Maia.”

“So, Maia, you come here often?”

Maia (god, her name was  _ so pretty _ ) shook her head. “Nope. I’m new in town. You?”

“Every night. I would’ve known if you came here often. Sorry, I’m a little drunk.”

Maia laughed. It sounded even prettier than her name. “Don’t worry, you’re doing great.”

“That is very sweet of you to say.”

“Well, I mean it. You’re kind of a disaster, but it’s charming.”

“Charming enough to buy you a drink?”

Maia smiled. “I would love a drink,” she said.

And it really did feel like love at first sight.


	2. The Off-Switch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> originally, this chapter was titled "The Smurf Penis", in case you were wondering which bit of HIMYM lore has made it into this chapter (and also in case you were wondering what kind of clever mature jokes you're in for with this fic)

It wasn’t like Clary had a checklist when it came to qualities a potential dating partner must possess. She just had...standards. And, like everyone else in the world, she had a dream girl. The perfect woman so perfect for her that she could not possibly exist, so imagining her was surely harmless.

Clary’s dream woman was beautiful, smart, loved dogs, loved swords, loved video games, was an excellent baker, and — perhaps most importantly — loved olives.

Maia Roberts was beautiful, read Shakespeare for fun, had five dogs, made three _Fallout_ references in the span of two hours, bragged about her homemade cookies, and asked Clary whether she was going to eat the olive in her martini.

(No swords, but hey, nobody’s perfect.)

“It was the best night ever!” Clary was recounting excitedly to Magnus the next morning. “She’s perfect. She’s so sweet and we have so much in common _and_ she passes the Olive Theory!”

“The Olive Theory?” Magnus said into his tea. “That’s a great sign, biscuit. We should meet her sometime.” Magnus took the Olive Theory quite seriously, seeing as it was based on him and Alec: Alec hated olives. Magnus loved them. Every meal including olives was a demonstration of how perfectly they balanced each other out.

“Well,” Clary said, wiggling her eyebrows. “We’re getting dinner tonight, so if all goes well, I’ll bring her around.”

Magnus smiled and squeezed her shoulder encouragingly just as the door flew open. Jace strutted in, grinning, walked over to Clary, lifted her hand off the armrest, and high-fived it.

“Hello, Jace,” Magnus said. “What’s the occasion?”

“You guys remember that super hot girl from the bar last night?” Jace asked.

“The one who slapped you?”

Jace made a face. “The _other_ super hot girl from the bar.”

“The one that called you a disgusting rat and stormed out?” Magnus guessed.

“The one that threw up on your shoes?” Clary asked.

“The one that made you buy her a drink then dumped it on your crotch?”

“Bingo!” Jace cried. Then frowned. “Wait, Magnus, you weren’t there for that.”

Magnus didn’t even try to hide his amusement. “Clary filmed the whole thing.”

“I sent it to the group chat,” Clary said proudly. “The big one. With Izzy and my dad. So, anyways, what _about_ the super hot girl from the bar who made you buy her a drink then dumped it on your crotch?”

Jace leaned back in the armchair, his smile returning, and winked. “I just had sex with her.”

Clary made a disgusted noise and began to wipe off the hand he had high-fived on the side of the couch. Magnus just rolled his eyes.

“Oh, come on, you guys!” Jace said desperately. “Ask me for details! It’s not like anything interesting happened to _you_ last night.”

“I got a date with a girl _you_ helped me meet.”

“I literally got engaged.”

Jace gaped at Clary. “ _You’re_ going out with that _twelve_ at the bar?”

“Don’t sound so surprised,” Clary huffed.

Magnus raised an eyebrow. “ _Twelve_?”

“Magnus. Come on.” Jace gave him a look. “You and Clary and I? We’re tens. Best of the best. But that girl? She was something else entirely. She was so beautiful I kept staring at her face instead of her boobs.”

Clary nodded a little reluctantly in agreement. “And she had some amazing boobs. Her name’s Maia, by the way.”

“Right. I’ll remember.” Jace stood and stretched. “Well, I gotta get to work. You guys wanna get some breakfast before I start my shift?”

“I’m in,” Clary said. “Magnus, you coming?”

Magnus shook his head. “Oh, no. I was up late last night celebrating my engagement. I can hardly move—”

Practically in unison, Jace and Clary clapped their hands over their ears and began to scream like overly dramatic children who had just heard their parents flirt.

“I’m _hungover_!” Magnus yelled over their complaining, mortified. “What is wrong with you?! Get out of here!”

He shooed them out, still scolding them, and didn’t stop until the door shut behind them and their footsteps receded down the hall. By the time he was done, Alec was walking out of their bedroom, yawning and rubbing his eyes. He mumbled something about it being a good morning before disappearing into their bathroom. Magnus dragged himself off the couch for the first time in hours to pour him a cup of coffee. It took a little longer than it should have, partly because of his hangover, but mostly because he kept getting distracted by his engagement ring.

So distracted, in fact, that he didn’t notice Alec stumbling his way into the kitchen and somehow managing to sneak up on him until Alec’s arms were around his waist and his chin was on Magnus’ shoulder.

“Morning,” Magnus greeted, and held up the mug. “Coffee?”

“I love you so much.” Alec took the coffee from him and drank most of it in one huge gulp. Magnus patted himself on the back for foreseeing that and not making the drink too hot. Alec, having come to the same realization, leaned down again to kiss his cheek. “But I hate you for letting me drink so much last night.”

“Don't put this on me, love. I do remember trying to stop you,” Magnus said. “And you saying, 'Don't tell me what to do! I'm drinking everything in this bar!'”

“Hey, we're getting married. My bad decisions are your bad decisions.”

“God help me.”

Alec made a face and leaned in to kiss him. As much as Magnus enjoyed that, they had more important business to attend to — there would be plenty of time for kissing later. He expertly ducked out from the kiss and crossed over to the coffee table in the living room, where his notebook lay open with pages and pages of notes. He held it up in front of Alec.

“Speaking of decisions: I had a few ideas for the wedding,” he said.

Alec took the notebook from him and quickly flipped through it. He raised an eyebrow. “Fifty-six pages of ‘a few’ ideas?”

“At least this way we have a starting point?”

Alec breathed sharply in through his mouth. “ _Actually_ …”

“Uh-oh,” Magnus said.

“Yeah,” Alec said, handing the notebook back to him. “I have my own notes. A binder, actually. I’ve been planning this since the day I met you, babe.”

“Aww,” Mangnus said, then laughed good-naturedly. “Even better! This way we can share our ideas and get the wedding we both want.”

“Totally. Hey, we’re planning a wedding together. This is gonna be great!”

(It was not going to be great.)

*

Things Clary learned about Maia within the first hour of their first date:

One: she was a journalist. She had briefly mentioned this at the bar, but now she went into more detail about how she wrote articles for the website of a local newspaper and was hoping to be allowed to write bigger stories than just fluff pieces and celebrity gossip.

Two: she had a minor in marine biology, and though she acted like she didn’t care much for it anymore, her eyes lit up when she talked about the research she had done in university and the short while she had spent working at a marine mammal rehabilitation center.

Three: her dogs’ names were Pickles, Sir Scratch-A-Lot, Ariel, Pogo, and Taki.

Four: she was from Jersey. She was also surprised when Brooklyn-born-and-raised Clary didn’t hold it against her. Clary told her that that was a stereotype, and also that Maia was too pretty to have her ‘horrible origins’ held against her.

Five: she did not agree with the restaurant decor, namely the blue french horn that hung on the wall beside them.

Things Maia learned about Clary within the first hour of their first date:

One: Clary was getting a Master in Fine Arts. She was pursuing art as a career. Professionally. A professional career. In Art. And she wasn’t nervous about it at all. Nope. Not at all. Why would you even ask that, Maia?! No, she’s not sweating. Let’s change the subject!

Two: she had a brother who was studying in Long Island, where Clary’s family had moved a few years ago. Apparently, he was kind of a dick, but they got along fine.

Three: she was a picky eater — she knew her restaurant order by heart and frowned at half the items on the menu. She even asked if Maia wanted to finish her olives like the other night at the bar.

Four: she had three roommates. Two of them had just gotten engaged. The third was an ex-boyfriend, the last one she had dated before realizing she was, in fact, not into boys. This was weird. Maia said as much. Clary agreed, but assured her that they were all close friends and rent in New York was ridiculous.

Five: she didn’t _get_ what was wrong with the restaurant decor, including the blue french horn that hung on the wall beside them.

“Look at that thing!” Maia exclaimed, laughing, as she gestured to the instrument in its bland white frame next to their table. “It’s hideous! It’s like looking at a freaking…”

“Smurf penis,” Clary agreed, nodding.

Maia let out another surprised laugh. “ _Smurf penis_?” she echoed. “That’s the first place your mind goes when you see a blue french horn?”

Clary, a little embarrassed but mostly indignant, scoffed at her. “Uh, I’m sorry, where does _your_ mind go?”

“Well, I was gonna say it would be used in a band made up of those blue _Avatar_ people.”

“Wrong shade, babe, try again.”

“Well, I fell asleep during that movie before they got to the blue people. I don’t remember their _shade_.”

Clary laughed too. “Well, that’s ridiculous either way,” she said. “It’s a smurf penis.”

“Agree to disagree,” Maia said. “Anyways, believe it or not, there is a correct way to decorate with musical instruments. And this is not it.”

“Oh, yeah?” Clary challenged. “Think you can do better?”

“I know I can. I decorated my own place with them.”

Clary didn’t even hesitate before quirking an eyebrow and saying, “Prove it.”

Maia looked at her disbelievingly, but unable to fight the smile tugging at her lips. “Okay,” she said after a moment. “Let’s go right now.”

*

Maia lived close by, so they walked. It was a little chilly, so Maia lent Clary her blazer. At some point, they even ended up holding hands on the walk there.

Everything was going perfectly well until they stopped in front of the door to Maia’s apartment.

The hallway was empty and the air was warm and electric and they were standing facing each other in front of the door. Maia had her keys in her hand, but hadn’t unlocked the door yet. She was too busy staring at Clary’s lips to do so.

Clary could take a hint — she leaned in and kissed Maia.

At first it was soft, their lips pressed gently against each other, just a warm, gentle pressure. But they could both feel it, the connection that it started, the way the electricity between them wasn’t from the air of the narrow hallway anymore. So, gradually, the kiss deepened, and somehow Maia ended up with her back pressed against her own apartment’s door and her keys tangled in Clary’s hair.

She broke away from the kiss, ignoring Clary’s protests, to detangle them from Clary’s hair and finally put them into the lock.

“You still wanna come inside, right?” she asked, somewhat breathlessly.

Clary started to nod, but momentarily wavered. Maia caught it.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing!” Clary said quickly. “It’s just that…I don’t normally do this on the first date.”

“Oh,” Maia said. “That’s okay. We don’t have to. I do want a second one.”

“I mean, it’s not like I’m waiting ‘til marriage,” Clary added, as if trying to justify herself. “It’s just that I fall fast, and get emotional and attached and I make mistakes. I don’t want to do anything I’ll regret.” She shook her head and smiled again, stepping back into Maia’s space. “But, you know what? I’m sure about you. Let’s do it.”

It was Maia’s turn to hesitate.

“You okay?” Clary asked with a concerned frown. “Wait, do _you_ not want to?”

When Maia looked up at her, her expression was guarded, but her eyes shone with sadness. “Clary, I have to be honest with you,” she said slowly. “You say you're _sure_ about me, and that's really sweet, but...I'm afraid of what it implies. I _just_ got out of a relationship and I’m just…not looking for anything serious right now.”

It was Clary’s turn to breathe out a defeated, “Oh.”

“I’m sorry,” Maia said.

“Don’t be,” Clary said. “I get it. And I came on too strong there, anyway. Don’t worry about it.”

A moment of awkward silence passed. Clary huffed out a long breath and looked back up at Maia.

“Okay,” she said. “Let’s go inside so you can rail me so hard I won’t remember my name.”

Maia choked. “ _What_?”

“I’m serious!” Clary said, _emphatically_. “Fuck emotions and serious relationships. You’re the hottest woman I’ve ever met. I can break a rule for you.”

“Oh, Clary,” Maia said, shaking her head but still smiling. “It’s not just a rule and you know that. You want something serious and you deserve that and I can’t lead you on knowing how you feel about me.”

“I _just_ said, fuck emotions!” Clary closed the space between them again and slowly wrapped her arms around Maia’s waist. “Consider my mushy, embarrassing feelings turned off.”

Maia shook her head. “There is no off-switch.”

“Yes, there is. And I’ve switched it off. Let’s make out.”

Maia opened her mouth to argue further. But Clary was close, and Clary was beautiful, and despite everything, she did want to be close to Clary.

As close as possible.

She closed the space between them, savouring the taste of Clary’s warm lips against her own and Clary’s soft hands against the exposed skin of the small of her back for the short while it lasted. Then they were pulling away and Clary was sighing.

“There is no off-switch,” Clary said miserably.

“There really isn’t,” Maia whispered back. “Good night, Clary.”

They stepped away from each other one last time, and it felt like shattering the moment they had just built together. She turned and finally — _finally —_ turned the key in the lock, pushed the door open. Just as she was about to walk in, Clary called out:

“Hey, Maia?”

Maia turned back around slowly and, in spite of herself, _hopefully_.

“Yes, Clary?”

“When—” Clary cleared her throat, “or, _if_ you’re ever…ready, or looking… I’ll be here. But you’re a really cool person, so until then — and possibly until forever…friends?”

Maia smiled. “Friends,” she agreed.

“Great,” Clary said, beaming proudly. “Then I’ll, uh, see you around.”

“See you around.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> expect weekly updates from now on! also I'm trying to keep the crude humour here at HIMYM's level (well...excluding thirsty Clary at the end of this chapter) but please let me know if I ever take things too far or make a joke it's not my place to make! obviously I don't share the identities of every character in this fic so it's very possible that I'll misstep despite my best efforts so please call me out if I do because it's never my intention to offend or upset anybody (this goes for all my work tbh)
> 
> ok this is getting long so I'll wrap it up now. in the next chapter we celebrate a birthday and Maia makes some new friends


End file.
